HOW TO LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHO IS HURTING (Suggestions for the Officers, Co-workers, Families, And Partners of AFA Members)

 

henever people face loss, injury, or other kinds of trauma, they need to talk about it in order to heal.  To talk, they need willing listeners.  Unfortunately, many of us shrink from listening to people in pain.  We may feel like we have enough troubles of our own, or be afraid of making matters worse by saying the wrong thing.

 

Sometimes we excuse ourselves by assuming that listening to people who are hurting is strictly a matter for professionals.  It is true that professional people can help in special ways.  However, their assistance, although valuable, is no substitute for the caring interest of union officers, coworkers, friends, and others from the person’s normal circle of contacts.

 

It is natural to feel reluctant or even afraid of facing another person’s painful feelings.  But it is important not to let this fear prevent us from doing what we can to help someone who is suffering.

 

Though each situation is unique, some guidelines can help make the process easier:

 

Ø      The most important thing to do is simply to be there.  Listen and show you care.

 

Ø      Don’t interrupt.  Keep your comments brief and simple so that you don’t get the person off track.

 

Ø      Ask questions which show your interest and encourage the person to keep talking, for example:

 

“What happened next?”

“What was that like?”

 

Ø      Give verbal and non-verbal messages of caring and support.  Facial expressions and body posture go a long way toward showing your interest.

 

Ø      Let people know that it’s OK to cry.  Some people are embarrassed if they cry in front of others.   Handing over a box of tissues can help show that tears are normal and appropriate.  It’s also OK if you get a bit teary yourself.

 

Ø      Don’t be distressed by differences in the way people respond.  One person may react very calmly, while another expresses strong feelings.  One person may have an immediate emotional response; another may be “numb” at first and respond emotionally later.  Emotions are rarely simple; people who are suffering loss often feel anger along with grief.  Unless you see signs of actual danger, simply accept the feelings as that person’s natural response at the moment.

 

Ø      Don’t offer unsolicited advice.  People usually will ask for advice later if they need it; initially it just gets in the way of talking things out.

 

Ø      Don’t turn the conversation into a forum for your own experiences.  If you have had a similar experience, you may want to mention that briefly when the moment seems right.  But do not say, “I know exactly how you feel.” Because everybody is different.

 

Ø      It’s natural to worry about saying the “wrong thing.”  The following is a brief but helpful list of three other things not to say to someone who is suffering:

 

DO NOT SAY:

 

Anything critical of the person.

 

      “You shouldn’t take it so hard.”

      “You’re overreacting.”

 

Anything which tries to minimize the person’s pain.

 

      “It could be a lot worse.”

      “You’re young; you’ll get over it.”

 

Anything which asks the person to disguise or reject his/her feelings.

 

      “You have to pull yourself together.”

      “You need to be strong for your children’s sake.”

 

These are helpful guidelines, but the most important thing is to be there and listen in a caring way.  People will understand if you say something awkward in a difficult situation.

 

Once you have finished talking, it may be appropriate to offer simple forms of help.  Check about basic things like eating and sleeping.  Sharing a meal may help the person find an appetite.  Giving a ride to someone too upset to drive may mean a lot.  Ask what else you can do to be of assistance.

 

After you have talked to someone who is hurting, you may feel as if you have absorbed some of that person’s pain.  Take care of yourself by talking to a friend, taking a walk, or doing whatever helps restore your own spirits.  Congratulate yourself on having had the courage to help someone in need when it wasn’t easy.

 

GRIEF:  WHAT YOU MIGHT EXPERIENCE

No one experiences grief in the same manner.  Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations about how we, or others, should grieve.  Dr. Theresa Rando, author of Grieving:  How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, developed a list of common experiences/expectations.

 

You may expect that:

 

Ø      Your grief will take longer than most people think.

 

Ø      Your grief will take more energy than you would have ever imagined.

 

Ø      Your grief will involve many changes.

 

Ø      Your grief will show itself in all parts of your life:  psychological, social, and physical.

 

Ø      You will grieve for what you have lost already and for what you have lost for the future.

 

Ø      Your grief will entail mourning for all of the hopes, dreams, and unfilled expectations you held for and with that person, and for the needs that will go unmet because of his/her death.

 

Ø      The loss will resurrect old issues, feelings, and unresolved conflicts.

 

Ø      You may experience identity confusion as a result of this loss.

 

Ø      You may have a combination of anger and depression, such as irritability, frustration, annoyance, or intolerance.

 

Ø      You may experience acute upsurges of grief that occur suddenly with no warning.

 

Ø      You may have trouble thinking and making decisions.

 

Ø      You may feel like you are going crazy.

 

Ø      You may begin a search for meaning and may question your religion, spirituality and/or philosophy of life.

 

Ø      You may find that there are certain dates, events, and experiences that resurrect grief.

 

Ø      You may find that the saying “time heals” has truth.